As a former teacher, principal, central office administrator, and superintendent, I do not miss the challenge of working with unreasonable and sometimes bossy; argumentative; aggressive; and, yes, even impossible parents. These“hard-to-handle” parents range from the chronic complainers to the apathetic individuals who have little interest in their children or school issues. This is probably not a politically correct position, but it represents the standpoint of many educators today. Nonetheless, it really makes no difference whether a parent is difficult or not; a principal must treat difficult parents with the same respect as they treat any other parent in the school. This is often easier said than done in many school settings.

Unfortunately, difficult and demanding parents are not going to go away. If anything, their numbers are on the rise. This article is structured to assist principals in reevaluating their approach to dealing with difficult parents. Hopefully as you read this article you will find the behaviors, strategies, techniques, and insights useful in dealing effectively with difficult parents in a way that will make your job a little easier. The specific strategies outlined were gathered from a joint interview with several recently retired principals who all had well-deserved reputations within their communities for dealing effectively with parents.

First of All, Listen

Listen carefully and attentively without interruption to the complaining parent. Before you can react or suggest a solution, make sure that you understand the problems or the issues. Given the unique circumstances of every situation, parents might not be totally wrong. In fact, they might be justified in their anger. Sometimes, bad things happen to good children in the school setting. As one principal said,“I learned the hard way in my first year as a principal that angry parents sometimes have the right to be angry. Because of the parent’s outrageous behavior, I assumed that the parent was crazy and the teacher was justified in his actions. Upon further investigation, I discovered that the child was verbally and emotionally abused in the class. After this incident, I made sure that I understood the problem fully before I acted. I also learned that many parents just want to be heard and blow off some steam.”

If parents have legitimate complaints you must investigate; act to resolve the issue; and follow up with a letter, meeting, or phone call to the parent. In the initial conference, it will be helpful to write down the parent’s major complaints or issues. You can sometimes forget important facts or details as you deal with multiple issues on a daily basis. As one principal stated, “I always followed up every difficult parent conference with a letter or phone call. It not only helped calm a troubling situation, but the practice served me well in future situations. Many of the parents were willing to give me the benefit of the doubt in future meetings.”

Remain Calm

Remain calm and maintain your composure. You must never compromise your professional integrity in dealing with difficult parents. When you lose your composure in the heat of the battle, you often say things you will regret later. A calm response will often help defuse a potentially volatile situation. Laughing, one principal said, “Some of my parents were professional arguers. They had more practice arguing and yelling than I ever had. I could never compete in a yelling match. Besides, I wanted to be a role model for my parents.”

Remaining calm does not mean that you must be someone’s doormat in these confrontations. Although it is important to do everything possible to resolve conflicts, some parents will view with animosity any actions you take despite your best efforts. There are, however, several effective techniques in holding your ground in a confrontational situation.

• If you are sitting behind your desk, move your chair out and place it close to the parent. You will send an assertive message of being comfortable with the situation.
• Silence can be powerful. Parents are often seeking attention and will be disarmed by selective silence. “I used the silent technique effectively in many volatile conferences. After a 20-minute diatribe, the parent would simple run out of things to say and then there was a period of awkward silence. It was at that moment that I gained the upper hand in the conference,” observed one principal.
• Another powerful response to disruptive parents is to simply walk away without saying a word. This technique is usually most effective in settings outside of school.
• Finally, all the principals mentioned maintaining eye contact as the most effective technique in dealing with difficult and out-of-control parents. “You must always look people square in the eyes when they are trying to bully you on your turf. We tend to look away or look down in uncomfortable situations. I am not a very intimidating person so I learned early in my career of the power of eye contact. In most cases, solid eye contact will cause an angry parent to back down a little. It would give me a slight edge,” one principal said.

Show Empathy and Understanding

Show empathy and understanding as you listen to parents. Body language should express an attitude that is pleasant, not defensive, and it should show the parents that you are interested in resolving the issue. Focus on the one common denominator in the struggle—the child. One of the retired principals bluntly stated, “I always kept the conversations focused on the child and what was best for the child. I also tried to walk in the parent’s shoes so I could gain an understanding of his or her feelings. As a parent myself, I realized that some of the behavior was really displaced anger. The parent was really angry with the child’s behavior.”

In addition to the broader suggestions outlined above, the retired principals expressed a number of do’s and don’ts in working with upset parents.

• Choose your words carefully. Certain “trigger” words or phrases will only make matters worse. For example: “Didn’t your older son do the same thing?”
• Address only the specific complaint or issue. Do not discuss other issues that might be important but unrelated to the immediate concern. Focus on what you and the parent can do together to solve the problem.
• Cut your losses. If the conference is going nowhere, find a graceful way to conclude it. For example: “Let me investigate the matter a little more and we can meet later in the week.”
• Develop a contingency plan to have the secretary rescue you from a difficult conference. A well-timed phone call or knock on the door can save the day. It is a good technique to buy some time and then reschedule the conference for another day.
• While standing firm on district or building policies, discuss the school’s position on a particular issue in a diplomatic and sensitive way. When the parents are wrong, be gracious and permit them to back down without losing face.
• Prepare ahead of time for difficult conferences. If the problem is known in advance, do as much research as possible and write down questions that might be forgotten in the heat of the moment. Ask the important questions first to help focus the meeting. Be open to suggestions from the parents. Don’t provide detailed explanations to every question or request. Finally, don’t be stampeded into an immediate response or quick resolution to the problem just to end the conference. Do not hesitate to get a legal opinion before responding.
• Meet with disgruntled parents as soon as possible. Parents become even more upset if you appear to be unwilling to meet with them or are unresponsive to phone calls. The sooner you deal with the parents and the issue the better.
• If a conference does not go well, start the damage control process immediately. Superintendents and Board of Education members hate surprises. Keep the key people in the district informed of the situation. Get the correct information to the right people as soon as possible.
• Confidentiality is crucial in this process. Parents need to feel secure and trusting in their relationship with you. “If the parent asked you not to discuss the matter with other staff members, you must either honor the request or specify why you must discuss the situation with other staff members. Your credibility in the community will be lost if your word is not sacred,” one principal observed.
• Once a plan has been worked out with the parents to resolve the issue, implement it immediately. Stay in touch to update the parents on any progress made and schedule a follow-up conference if needed.

Encourage Parental Involvement

As important as these strategies and insights are for handling difficult situations with upset parents, all the interviewed principals emphasized the need to be pro-active in working with the parents. They discussed the importance of creating positive school climates and building structures to effectively engage parents in the schools’ operations. One principal summarized the feelings of the other principals when he stated, “If a principal creates a positive climate within the building, it is more difficult for parents to be negative and behave in unacceptable ways. I worked very hard to include my parents in the school’s vision and goals. We all must remember that we are educating their children. They should have a vested interest in their children.”

Although there are many examples of effective administrative practices for building effective relationships between parents and educators within schools, the principals came to consensus on the following:

• Encourage teacher outreach efforts to connect with parents. These activities most typically include a class newsletter or weekly report, home visits, personal invitations for classroom activities, family-oriented homework projects, and calling parents with good news about their children. Keeping the communication lines open between the teacher and the parents is crucial for building positive relationships and helping parents become active partners in education.
• Look beyond the traditional open house format to present events that will foster real communication between school personnel and parents. Schools that enjoy great relationships and rapport between parents and teachers provide unique opportunities for adults and children to gather within the school for entertainment, learning activities, and open-ended dialogue. Such activities might include family workshops focused on a particular topic, monthly coffee socials, reading nights, community celebrations such as an International Night or Family Fun Night, after-school skating parties for the entire family, grade-level curriculum nights, and grandparent days. These family-oriented activities will help create a friendly and positive school climate. In turn, families will be less wary of the school, more willing to partner with the school, and more positive about working with teachers and administrators in a collaborative manner.
• Periodically obtain information about the parents’ likes and dislikes as it relates to the schools’ operations as well as the information they would like from the school. A standard school survey might be given every two years and might include the following items:

o School policies on discipline and attendance
o Grade cards and other methods for reporting students’ progress
o Parent involvement opportunities
o Classroom rules and regulations
o Procedures for contacting the school and specific personnel
o New curriculum initiatives
o Behavioral expectations of parents and community members within the building
o Crisis management plans
o Special services offered at the school
o Open-ended questions about general operations of the school

• With increased mobility in many communities, you might consider establishing a Welcome New Parents program to assist new community members in the registration process as well as familiarization with the local community. A local parent organization might be interested in coordinating this program. Hopefully, such a program will ease the transition of the family into the school community. Parents and children become familiar and comfortable with the school. They get a better idea of the academic and social expectations for the children.
• Periodically do a literature review on recent research on parent involvement, along with promising programs that have been effective in raising the level of parent involvement in the schools. The North Central Regional Educational Laboratory has an excellent website (www.ncrel.org/sdrs/pidata/pi0over.htm) which summarizes 27 promising parent involvement programs throughout the country. Even if a school does not adopt a formal program, the process of looking and exploring for better ways to involve parents positively will pay dividends for the long-term operation of the school.

No matter how hard you try to establish positive relationships with parents, unreasonable and difficult parents will periodically challenge you. Hopefully, this article has highlighted some useful skills for dealing effectively with them while at the same time reminding you of the importance of proactive administrative practices in establishing a positive school climate. Such a climate should reduce the number and severity of the explosive parent conferences that can be so debilitating.

Timothy J. Ilg, Ph.D., a former principal and superintendent, is currently assistant professor in the Department of Educational Leadership at the University of Dayton, OH. He can be reached at 937-229-3736.